Big Big Big Feelings

Something changed in my 7 year old daughter E a few weeks ago where she was having big big big feelings. It wasn’t just the normal stuff that bothered her. It was even all the little stuff that led to huge reactions.

I think things changed a while back ago with a big argument. The fact that E could get that angry told her body and brain there are levels to these feelings. She could easily reach the next levels now and this was something that I wanted her to help control.

It was hard to talk to her in the moment when these big big big feelings came up. I needed to find time to chat with her about it when she was calm. I had a chance one day on a car ride alone and wanted to take the opportunity to explain my thoughts.

The first thing I did was tell her that I was sad since I felt like since the big argument a while back, I did something that negatively affected her. We talked about that and I didn’t want the big argument to change anything about her, but I felt like it did and it was my fault. She understood what I was saying and that opened things up.

The second thing I did was tell her that we need to try and control these big big big feelings. It’s really hard to control it since you want to still feel those emotions. You just don’t want to lose control of your body or actions. When you have those emotions, it’s good to channel it to something productive if possible. Go outside. Take a walk. Explore a hike. Exercise. Something. Just try your best not to lose control and take control of yourself. When you can take control and channel the energy into something else, you’ll feel better eventually.

It was a long talk. I think I got through to her because the next few days, I could see her feeling these emotions coming out, but she was able to regulate herself and maintain control. It made me happy that the talk seemed to have made a difference. She frequently came over and asked for a hug if she needed it and that really helped her when she felt like she needed some extra help calming down.

Fast forward a few weeks and things are a lot better. There haven’t been huge blowups happening and it was a long process to get to this point. I’m not a perfect parent and the fact that I said something was my fault and apologized for negatively affecting her opened the door for a conversation (and progress). We are all learning as we go and if we do it together with trust and no ego, it builds the right bonds between our family.