Hitting and the Second Arrow

There is a concept my friend talked about where the Second Arrow is the negative self talk that accompanies a mistake. This happened to my 4 year old son C recently where he has been having trouble staying calm enough to keep his hands to himself. He would sometimes get so mad that he hits his 6 year old sister E. Everyone makes mistakes and I know he is learning, but he is tough on himself.

C started saying he was dumb for not remembering the rules to keep his hands to himself. The Second Arrow is really sharp for him to call himself names. It makes me sad that he does that now and I have to remind him that it’s fine to forget. We are all learning and I tell him that I was the same way as a kid. I made tons of mistakes and was a little rebel myself. C is the same way and honestly a mini me. I know what I’m like and I try to explain things in a way that I would have wanted to hear it as a kid.

One thing that I pointed out to him was trying to recognize patterns. When he was hitting for two days straight, I told him at the end of the second day that these things happen when we haven’t slept well. I wanted him to say that it was fine for himself to make mistakes, that he is a smart boy (which he is!), and that he will do better next time.

That mantra is better than saying he is dumb and he agreed. I made sure he got more sleep and since then, there has been moderate hitting, but the Second Arrow hasn’t shown up in a long time. At least that problem is solved and now we just need to work on the hitting. He will get there as he matures and I’ll make sure he is reminded of how great he is (despite any mistakes along the way!).